After I’d recovered from a very deep and dark depression many years ago, I trained to be a Lifeline Counsellor as a way of giving back and ‘paying it forward’.
I learned a huge amount from that experience, and while it’s unfortunately been quite a while since I’ve been active on the phones*, I still personally use many of the skills and bring some of those into Southern Cross Coaching’s training and coaching programs.
*[having 2 young kids, a growing business and some health challenges with autoimmune diseases meant I couldn’t continue to dedicate the necessary time]
One particularly practical and useful skill that those who have done our Giving and Receiving Feedback and Difficult Conversations training, T.O.A.D.™ Coaching Leadership training, or our Roadmap to Leadership Success programs will know well is the ‘9-Second Pause’.
The ‘9-Second Pause’ is simple to learn and has many, many practical applications in and out of the workplace.
Such a simple tool but such a profound effect. Are you up for the challenge?
“Yeah, I’m up for a challenge! What do I have to do and how does it work?”
Excellent! 👏🤩
Well, it does what it says on the tin… you ask a question – one question, and ideally an open one – then shut up (that’s the difficult bit!) and count to 9 while you wait for the other person to respond!
While it sounds so simple, it can take some serious practice – those 9 seconds can seem like a lifetime!
When I started at Lifeline I could only get to 3 seconds…on a good day! On many occasions I had to literally bite my tongue to help me master getting to first 5, then 7, then eventually 9 seconds!
However, once I’d mastered it, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked a question and the person on the other end of the phone – or in a meeting or conversation – started talking at 8 ½. Truly.
As a leader and particularly a coach and Coaching Leader it’s a critical skill. Once you master it, you’ll wonder how you managed without it!
“Ok, so how does it work?”
You ask the question, then bite your tongue, shut up and say nothing for 9 seconds.
You can also use it when someone asks you a question, to give yourself time to think and respond more appropriately – stop for 9 seconds, bite your tongue, breathe and think.
Biting your tongue and counting to 9 serves 2 purposes:
1. It stops you talking – it’s hard to say something in a credible way with your tongue between your teeth!
2. Counting gives your brain something to focus on and makes sure you actually give people or yourself time.
For the asker of the question, taking and counting those 9 seconds stops you getting your reply ready before you’ve even heard what the other person has had to say and it stops you preparing your next question.
It makes the question-asker stop and truly listen rather than making up another question – particularly a leading, closed question, or launching into your own internal monologue.
Then, as Stephen Covey advocates, you’re much more likely to listen to understand rather than to reply. Very important.
When you’ve been asked the question, consciously taking that 9-second pause and biting your tongue helps you calm your thoughts.
It re-engages your pre-frontal cortex and helps you formulate a more measured, credible response rather than blurting out something inappropriate or not thought through. A powerful tool for building your Executive Presence!
“So what makes it so effective?
Good question! There are lots of reasons.
When asking questions, most of us tend to ask leading questions that direct the person towards the answer we want to give.
And the busier we are the more likely we are to do that! It happens at all levels, but it increases the more important or expert we think we are. Expert leaders with specific professional expertise are often the worst culprits (think policy makers, finance, IT, engineers, procurement, scientists, consultants, lawyers, regulatory bodies, business analysts, salespeople – the list goes on!).
Interestingly, one of the consistently lowest scoring statements in the NSW government People Matter Employment Surveys over the years – and many other engagement assessment surveys for that matter – is “I feel senior leaders listen to me”.
Asking just one question and then shutting up and listening is a critical practical Emotional Intelligence skill – and a non-negotiable skill for a Coach and for Coaching Leadership.
It gives the other person time and space to think and respond – we are more likely to get a more thought-out, more relevant answer rather than a rushed, ill-considered response.
It makes the question asker stop and truly listen – rather than making up another question, particularly a leading, closed question. When we ask leading questions, people often feel manipulated and that we don’t really care about their opinions – not great for engagement or innovation. The person then feels more listened to, feels heard, that we care, and their opinion actually counts – critical emotional intelligence skills and key elements that drive engagement (as evidenced in the Gallup Q12 engagement pulse survey).
It makes us as question askers more likely to stop and think more about the question we ask – if you ask the wrong question, you usually get a wrong or misleading answer…Asking the right question has always been a critical leadership skill especially in Coaching Leadership, and it is even more important when using AI! Ask AI the wrong question and you waste a lot of time of get the wrong information!
You can also use it when someone else asks you a question to give yourself time to think – especially useful in an interview or high-pressure situation.
That pause helps give you valuable time to re-engage your pre-frontal cortex (the thinking part of your brain that also helps you be more in control of what comes out of your mouth – or your fingers on a keyboard!). It’s a chance for you to take a deep breath, calm yourself down and think rather than leaping and rushing in. Hence that pause is also often considered as a key skill in building your Executive Presence.
It shows genuine curiosity and interest in the other person and that you’re listening to understand, as Stephen Covey says. The pause ensures we’re waiting for the other person’s response rather than jumping in with our next question or our own reply. Curiosity is a vastly underrated emotional intelligence and leadership skill – see my previous article on curiosity: Did Curiosity Kill the Cat?
The other person feels we’re actually genuinely interested in them and their answer.
We might actually hear some different ideas and thinking – boosting innovation and critical thinking and reducing Groupthink.
Most people are uncomfortable with silence in a conversation, and nearly everyone will leap in to fill that silence – which is why we often ask a follow-on question if people don’t respond straight away.
This makes the 9-second pause a very useful tool for feedback, performance or difficult conversations, and especially with passive/ passive aggressive people who clam up as a way of deflecting and manipulating the conversation – relying on you to step in and fill the awkward silence. If you keep quiet they are more likely to feel the discomfort themselves and open up.
As per the point above, it’s particularly powerful in feedback and difficult conversations, and especially coaching conversations.
It’s also extremely effective in many workplace and home settings. Some other useful applications include:
We particularly advise embracing the 9-second pause as a critical tool in our:
